Key idea: preparing children for going back to school does not mean making sure they feel no anxiety at all. It means making the change more predictable, understanding what is worrying them and helping them discover, step by step, that they can cope even when nerves, uncertainty or fear are present.
Preparing children for going back to school can start well before buying notebooks or packing a school bag. After several weeks of different bedtimes, more freedom and fewer obligations, suddenly getting up early, separating from parents, entering a new classroom or seeing classmates again can feel like a significant change.
Some children cannot wait to go back. Others feel excited and nervous at the same time. Some begin saying they do not want to go, sleep less well, become more irritable or announce on school mornings that their tummy hurts.
None of these reactions automatically means that a child has a psychological problem. Some apprehension around an important change is entirely understandable. As parents, however, we can make the transition easier without dismissing their fears, repeatedly questioning them or unintentionally teaching them that avoidance is the only way to feel better.
This guide looks at how to rebuild routines, what to do when a child says they do not want to go to school, how to respond to the familiar “my tummy hurts”, what questions actually encourage children to talk and how to support a child starting a new school where they do not yet have friends.
1. Going back to school starts before the first day
One of the biggest changes in September does not happen in the classroom. It happens first thing in the morning.
During the holidays, children often go to bed later, wake at different times, eat on a less structured schedule and have more screen time or spontaneous activities. If we try to reverse everything the evening before school starts, the first morning can easily become a mixture of tiredness, rushing and arguments.
It can therefore be helpful to start the transition around one or two weeks beforehand. There is no need to turn the final days of the holidays into a rehearsal for school. The aim is simply to reintroduce gradually the routines that are going to change most.
A practical 7-14 day transition
10-14 days beforehand
Begin gradually bringing bedtime and wake-up time forward. Reintroduce slightly more regular meal times as well.
One week beforehand
Prepare school supplies, bags and clothing. Talk through what mornings will look like and who will take the child to school or collect them.
2-3 days beforehand
Check the journey, timings and anything else that may be uncertain. If it is a new school, seeing the building or route beforehand can make things more familiar.
The night before
Try to keep it fairly ordinary. Prepare what you need, reduce unnecessary rushing and avoid turning the next day into something that “has to go perfectly”.
A simple sentence may be enough:
“School starts again tomorrow. You might be looking forward to some parts and feel a bit nervous about others. We’ll take it one step at a time.”
If sleep has become particularly unsettled over the holidays, our guide to night terrors and sleep difficulties in young children provides further information about children’s sleep and signs that deserve closer attention.
2. “I don’t want to go back to school”: do not rush to persuade them
When a child says “I don’t want to go”, our first instinct is often reassurance:
“But you’re going to have a lovely time.”
“You’ll see your friends again.”
“There’s nothing to be nervous about.”
“It’ll be fine.”
These responses usually come from a caring place. Yet they can sometimes try to remove an emotion before we have understood what is causing it.
“I don’t want to go to school” can mean many different things.
It might mean:
- “I don’t want to leave you.”
- “I’m worried I won’t have anyone to sit with.”
- “I don’t know what my new teacher will be like.”
- “I think the work will be too difficult.”
- “Someone at school worries me.”
- or simply “I would rather still be on holiday.”
Before trying to solve the problem, therefore, it is worth finding out what the problem actually is.
Questions that make conversation easier
- “What are you least looking forward to about going back?”
- “What do you think will be the hardest part of the first day?”
- “If you could change one thing about school, what would it be?”
- “Is there anything about going back that you’re worried about but haven’t told me yet?”
- “From 0 to 10, how nervous do you feel about going back?”
- “What might make tomorrow just a little bit easier?”
Open questions allow children to describe their own experience rather than having an adult fill in the gaps for them.
3. “My tummy hurts and I don’t want to go”: anxiety or an excuse?
It is 7.30 in the morning. Everyone needs to leave soon and suddenly your child says their tummy hurts.
It can be tempting to think, “You were completely fine yesterday. You just don’t want to go to school.”
However, the pain can be genuine even when worry is playing a part. Anxiety in children can be accompanied by stomach pain, nausea, headaches, dizziness and other physical sensations. A child does not have to be pretending simply because there is no obvious illness.
At the same time, there is another trap to avoid: allowing staying at home to become the automatic solution whenever anxiety appears.
What to do that morning: PAUSE · OBSERVE · ASK · ACT
Pause. Avoid immediately turning the situation into an argument or saying, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Observe. Consider how your child seems generally and whether there are other physical symptoms that may require medical attention.
Ask. “Apart from your tummy hurting, is there anything about today that is worrying you?”
Act. If they do not appear physically unwell and the discomfort seems to follow a pattern of school-related worry, try to maintain the routine whilst helping them cope with what is frightening them.
Instead of: “Your tummy hurts because you don’t want to go.”
Try: “I can see that your tummy hurts. Let’s work out what is going on and what might help you get through this morning.”
Important
Physical symptoms should not automatically be attributed to anxiety. If pain is severe, persistent, occurs outside school-related situations or is accompanied by other worrying symptoms, seek advice from your GP, paediatrician or another appropriate healthcare professional.
4. What might your child actually be afraid of?
To help effectively, we need to get closer to the specific worry. Two children can both say “I don’t want to go” whilst needing completely different kinds of support.
Separation worries
These are more common in younger children but can also appear after holidays, illness, family changes or a period spent particularly close to a parent.
Being left out
“Who will I play with?”, “What if my friend is in another class?” or “What if nobody sits with me?”.
Getting things wrong
Some children worry about not knowing an answer, reading aloud, failing a test or not keeping up with the rest of the class.
Social worries
Fear of being watched, judged, rejected, laughed at or doing something embarrassing in front of other people.
A previous experience
Conflict with classmates, teasing, bullying, academic difficulties or a difficult experience with a particular situation at school can influence the new term.
Uncertainty
Sometimes nothing bad has happened. Not knowing which teacher they will have, where their classroom is or what the year will be like is enough to create anxiety.
When children struggle to put things into words, their behaviour can also provide useful information. We explore this further in our guide to understanding challenging behaviour and what it may be communicating.
5. How to talk so children can tell us what is really worrying them
Talking with a child is not simply about asking enough questions. What happens after they start speaking matters too.
If every worry is immediately met with advice, criticism or “that’s nothing to worry about”, children can gradually learn that it is easier to keep things to themselves.
Try this sequence: listen, reflect, ask and help
Listen. Let them finish. Try not to correct their interpretation straight away.
Reflect. “It sounds as though you’re worried you won’t know anyone at break time.”
Ask. “Is that the part that worries you most, or is there something else as well?”
Help. “What could we prepare together that might make that moment a little easier?”
Validating a feeling does not mean agreeing that everything your child fears is going to happen. It means recognising that the feeling itself is real and worth listening to.
6. Validating fear does not mean avoiding school
This distinction is important.
Dismissing
“There’s absolutely no reason to be nervous.”
Overprotecting
“Because you’re frightened, I’ll make sure you never have to face the situation.”
Validating
“I understand that this feels scary. Let’s work out how you can manage that moment.”
Supporting
“You don’t have to stop feeling nervous before you can take the next step.”
When we repeatedly avoid something that makes us anxious, we often experience immediate relief. Because that relief feels helpful in the short term, avoidance can become increasingly attractive the next time the fear appears.
For that reason, when there is no physical illness or unsafe situation at school, the aim will often be to help the child maintain or regain school attendance whilst addressing the difficulty behind the anxiety.
If school refusal becomes intense or persistent, however, it should not simply become a daily battle between parent and child. The family, school and relevant professionals may need to work together to understand what is maintaining the problem and agree an appropriate plan.
7. A new school and no friends yet: replace “make friends” with smaller goals
For a child starting somewhere new, the instruction “go and make friends” can feel enormous.
And the more uncertain they already feel, the less useful it tends to be to hear:
“Don’t be shy.”
“Just go and talk to someone.”
“You’ll make loads of friends straight away.”
Instead, make the task smaller.
The one-person challenge
During the first few days, the goal does not need to be “find a friendship group”. It might simply be learning one person’s name, having a short conversation with a classmate or asking to join a game.
A short practice at home can help
With younger children, you can briefly practise phrases such as:
- “What’s your name?”
- “Can I play too?”
- “Do you want to sit here?”
- “Which class have you got next?”
- “What are you playing?”
The aim is not to teach a script that must be followed word for word. A short role-play simply makes some possible responses feel more familiar when the real situation arrives.
If fear of being watched or judged occurs in many other situations and significantly restricts social life, our guide to social anxiety versus shyness may help you understand the difference and when support may be useful.
When a child is joining a new school, it can also be useful to let their teacher know discreetly. Creating natural opportunities for connection is usually more helpful than publicly introducing them as “the new child who doesn’t know anybody”.
8. Eight questions that work better than “How was school?”
Many parents recognise this conversation:
—How was school?
—Fine.
—What did you do?
—Nothing.
This does not necessarily mean your child does not want to talk to you.
After spending several hours concentrating, following instructions, responding to adults, learning and managing relationships, some children need a little time to decompress.
Connection first. Conversation second.
You might simply greet them with:
“It’s good to see you. You can tell me about your day when you feel ready.”
More specific questions that can help children open up
- What was the best part of today?
- Was there anything difficult or uncomfortable?
- Who were you with at break time?
- Who made you laugh today?
- What was the hardest part of the morning?
- If you could change one thing tomorrow, what would it be?
- Was there any point when you felt left out or alone?
- Is there anything you want to tell me but you are not quite sure how to start?
You certainly do not need to ask all eight. Turning the list into another interrogation would defeat the purpose. Choose one or two and leave room for the conversation to develop.
9. Parents go back to school too
The adjustment does not happen only to children.
Parents may worry about whether their child will settle in, whether they will cry, whether their teacher will understand their needs or whether difficulties from the previous school year will return.
The difficulty arises when our own concern unintentionally communicates that the first day is a dangerous event requiring constant monitoring.
For example:
- repeatedly asking, “Are you nervous?”;
- checking the school bag again and again;
- giving instructions right up to the school gate;
- prolonging the goodbye once the child is trying to go in;
- continually drawing attention to everything that could go wrong.
This does not mean parents have to pretend they are completely relaxed. We can acknowledge the difficulty whilst communicating confidence:
“I know today might feel difficult at first, and I also know you can give it a go. I’ll see you after school.”
A short and predictable goodbye
With younger children, it can help to agree a simple routine:
hug → short phrase → remind them when you will see each other again → goodbye.
Predictability may feel more reassuring than finding a new way to persuade them every morning.
10. What if there is a meltdown just before leaving?
Crying, becoming angry, shouting or refusing to get dressed can sometimes be the way a younger child communicates a feeling they cannot yet explain clearly.
At the height of that emotion, a long discussion about all the reasons they need to go to school is unlikely to help.
First, we try to reduce the emotional intensity. Then we keep the boundary clear.
“I can see that you’re really upset and you don’t want to go today. I’m going to help you get ready. When things feel calmer, we can talk about what is worrying you.”
If strong emotional outbursts are common in other situations too, our guide to tantrums in children: what is typical, how to respond and when to seek help provides further practical guidance.
11. A simple plan for the first five days
You do not need to decide every afternoon whether your child has “settled in yet”. During the first week, smaller observations are often far more useful.
12. When is it more than normal back-to-school adjustment?
There is no exact number of days that separates a “normal” adjustment from a problem. Some children walk in happily on the first morning. Others need considerably longer.
Rather than focusing only on how many days have passed, consider intensity, persistence and how much the difficulty is interfering with everyday life.
Pay particular attention if:
- fear is very intense and does not begin to reduce;
- there is persistent refusal to attend school;
- tummy aches, headaches, nausea or other physical complaints repeatedly appear on school days;
- sleep deteriorates significantly;
- every morning turns into a major crisis;
- your child becomes increasingly isolated;
- they report teasing, rejection, threats or bullying;
- academic or learning difficulties are contributing to the fear;
- there is a marked and persistent change in their usual behaviour;
- the problem is significantly affecting school, family or social life.
In these situations, the goal should not simply be to make a child “obey”. We need to understand what is making school so difficult.
Sometimes emotional factors are central. In other cases, difficulties with learning, attention, development or adjustment may also be involved.
When a broader understanding is needed, you can read about our neuropsychology service for children, adolescents and families and our approach to psychological assessment.
13. What I would like parents to remember this September
We cannot guarantee that a child’s first day will be wonderful.
We cannot promise that nobody will ever make them uncomfortable, that they will never make a mistake, that they will not miss the holidays or that they will immediately find a best friend.
But we can teach them something more valuable:
You do not have to stop feeling frightened before taking the next step. You can tell me what is worrying you, and we can work out together how to face it.
For some children, preparing the school bag and returning to an earlier bedtime will be enough.
Others may need to see the school beforehand, practise approaching another child or know exactly who will collect them at the end of the day.
And some will need more support.
The aim is not to create a return to school in which no uncomfortable emotion appears. It is to help children experience nervousness, talk about it, receive support and gradually discover that they can manage situations that initially felt difficult.
Frequently asked questions about going back to school
When should we start rebuilding the school routine?
As a practical guide, beginning around one or two weeks beforehand can be helpful, particularly when sleep times have changed considerably during the holidays. You do not need to change everything at once. Gradually bringing bedtime and waking time closer to the school routine can make the transition easier.
What should I do if my child says their tummy hurts before school?
Listen and do not assume they are pretending. Worry can produce genuine physical sensations. Consider how they seem generally, ask whether anything about school is worrying them and seek medical advice if the pain is severe, persistent or accompanied by other symptoms. If there is a repeated pattern linked to school anxiety, the underlying worry needs addressing without making staying at home the only way to reduce it.
Should I make my child go to school if they are frightened?
It is more useful to think beyond a simple choice between “make them go” and “let them stay at home”. With manageable anxiety, parents can validate the feeling whilst helping the child maintain their routine. When school refusal is severe or persistent, it is important to understand what is happening and to involve the school and relevant health or mental health professionals where appropriate.
How can I get my child to tell me what is happening at school?
There is no single perfect question. Choose a calm moment, listen without interrupting and use specific open questions such as “What was the hardest part of today?”, “Who were you with at break?” or “Was there any point when you felt alone?”. It also helps not to offer an immediate solution every time your child tells you about a problem.
How can I help if my child is starting a new school and knows nobody?
Make the goal smaller. Rather than asking them to “make friends”, try small steps: learning one classmate’s name, saying hello, asking to join a game or choosing someone to sit near. Visiting the school beforehand and discreetly making the teacher aware that your child is new can also support the settling-in process.
Is it normal for children to be more tired or irritable after returning to school?
Yes, this can happen during the adjustment period because routines, demands and levels of stimulation have changed. What matters is how things develop. If the change is particularly intense, persists, worsens or significantly affects everyday functioning, it is worth exploring what may be contributing to it.
If going back to school is becoming particularly difficult
When fears, physical symptoms or school refusal begin to affect a child’s daily life and the whole family, a psychological assessment can help identify what is making the adjustment difficult and what kind of support may be useful.
María de los Ángeles Sanz Ruiz is a General Health Psychologist at Ocnos Psychology Clinic and works with children, adolescents and families in Palmones, Campo de Gibraltar.
Sources and further reading
This article is intended for general information and does not replace an individual psychological or medical assessment. It draws on institutional guidance and scientific literature concerning school adjustment, childhood anxiety, school refusal, parent-child communication and school connectedness.
- American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org. Guidance for families on preparing for the new school year, sleep routines and easing the transition back to school.
- American Academy of Pediatrics / HealthyChildren.org. Guidance on school avoidance, physical symptoms associated with school-related worry and when families should seek professional support.
- American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP). School Refusal. Facts for Families.
- UNICEF Parenting. Guidance on listening to children, validating their experiences and using open questions to encourage communication.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). School Connectedness and approaches that strengthen children’s sense of belonging and support within school.
- Jakobsen S, Tølbøll KB, Thastum M, Lomholt JJ. Cognitive Behavioral Interventions for School Attendance Problems: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 2025.
