Updated by María Ángeles Sanz Ruiz
General Health Psychologist at Ocnos Psychology Clinic · COPAO registered psychologist AN 12933 · Psychological support, emotional regulation and clinical guidance for families
Professional registration: COPAO – AN 12933 · María Ángeles’ professional profile
Clinical update note: this article has been reviewed and updated by María Ángeles Sanz Ruiz from a clinical perspective focused on children’s emotional regulation, family support and understanding tantrums as an immature form of emotional communication. The aim is not to blame parents or carers, but to offer a clear guide to observe, support and seek help when needed.
Key idea: tantrums in children are not just “bad behaviour”. Very often, they are an immature way of expressing frustration, tiredness, a need for attention, difficulty tolerating a limit or a lack of tools for self-regulation. Understanding the function of the behaviour does not mean allowing everything; it means responding more effectively.
When tantrums start to worry the family
If you are reading this, you may have lived through an exhausting scene: your child screams, cries, throws themselves on the floor, kicks or seems unable to hear anything you say.
You try to stay calm. However, at some point you also feel overwhelmed. Afterwards, guilt appears: “Am I doing something wrong?”, “Is this normal?”, “Should I ask for help?”.
Tantrums in children can be part of development, especially in the early years. Even so, when they are very frequent, very intense or affect family life, it is natural for parents to worry.
From a clinical perspective, a tantrum can be uncomfortable, noisy and exhausting. But it can also be a window into what is happening in the child and in the family system.
This article is not about blaming parents. Nor does it offer “magic tricks” so that tantrums never happen again. The aim is to help you look at the behaviour with more clarity, more calm and more tools.
What are tantrums in children?
A tantrum is an emotional and behavioural outburst. It may include crying, screaming, throwing themselves on the floor, kicking, hitting, throwing objects or refusing to do something.
It usually appears when the child feels frustrated, hears “no”, is tired, hungry, overwhelmed or cannot find another way to express what is happening inside.
This does not mean that anything goes. It means that, before responding, we need to understand what may be happening.
A tantrum is not simply “being naughty”
A tantrum is not just a child trying to “make life difficult” or “rule the house”. That reading usually leaves adults more angry and the child more dysregulated.
From a psychological perspective, it is more helpful to describe what we can see: the child cries, screams, pushes, lies on the floor, avoids a task or tries to get something.
Then we can ask: what happened before?, what happened afterwards?, what might the child have gained or avoided through that behaviour?
A useful idea for families: before asking how to remove a tantrum, it helps to ask what is maintaining it.
Why tantrums in children happen
Tantrums happen because the child is still learning how to manage intense emotions.
They want independence, but they cannot always wait. They want to choose, but they cannot always accept limits. They want to explain themselves, but their language and self-control are still developing.
Also, tantrums do not appear in a vacuum. They usually have a context.
Frustration, sleep, hunger and tiredness
Many tantrums make more sense when we look at the time of day.
A child who has slept badly, comes home tired from school or has been hungry for a while has less capacity to tolerate a “no”. They may also become dysregulated more quickly during a simple transition.
Sometimes the evening tantrum is not really about the blue cup or the red cup. It is about many hours of accumulated tiredness.
Screens, overstimulation and changes in routine
Screens, noise, birthday parties, shopping centres or changes in plans can increase a child’s level of activation.
This is not about living without screens or plans. It is about understanding when the child’s system is already running at 120% and needs to slow down before we ask for something else.
That is why some tantrums appear precisely when the tablet is turned off, when it is time to leave the park, after school or when a routine changes unexpectedly.
What happens in a child’s brain during a tantrum?
During a tantrum, the child is not in the best state to reason.
Their body is activated. Their breathing changes. They may scream, cry or move a lot. It may also seem as if they “cannot hear you”, even when you are giving a very logical explanation.
This happens because, in the early years, emotional regulation still depends a great deal on the adult. The child first learns to calm down from the outside: through presence, tone, limits and repetition.
Co-regulation first, conversation later
In the middle of a tantrum, your child does not need a long speech. They need safety, few words and an adult who does not add more fire to the fire.
There will be time to talk when their body has moved out of alarm mode.
Practical idea: during the peak of the tantrum, try to speak less and contain more. When the intensity drops, you can teach, repair and explain.
Behaviour as communication
Behaviour does not appear out of nowhere.
When a child has a tantrum, we can ask what that behaviour is communicating. Sometimes it communicates frustration. At other times, it may communicate tiredness, hunger, fear, overload, a need for attention or difficulty accepting a transition.
Understanding the function of a tantrum does not mean giving in. It means responding with more precision.
Understanding does not mean allowing everything
A child can have the right to feel angry and, at the same time, not have permission to hit.
They may feel frustrated because they want more tablet time, but that does not mean we extend screen time every time they scream.
They may cry because they do not want to leave the park, and the adult can still accompany the sadness while keeping the limit.
We do not punish the emotion; we set limits around the behaviour. The aim is not for your child never to feel angry, but for them to learn safer ways to express what is happening inside.
The ABC model: a simple way to understand tantrums
The ABC model helps organise what happens before, during and after a behaviour.
It is not a tool for judging the child. It is a map for observing patterns.
A · Antecedent
What happens before the tantrum: a demand, a limit, hunger, tiredness, noise, a transition or a change in routine.
B · Behaviour
What the child does in observable terms: screams, cries, hits, lies on the floor, runs away, freezes or throws objects.
C · Consequence
What happens afterwards: the adult gives in, shouts, removes the demand, comforts, waits, keeps the limit or changes the plan.
Function
What the behaviour may be doing: gaining something, avoiding something, seeking attention, expressing distress or releasing overload.
When we understand what happens before, what the child does and what happens afterwards, it stops looking so chaotic.
Then we can start responding with more clarity.
Everyday examples of tantrums: looking at the pattern
Let’s look at some common scenes. These are not diagnoses, but examples to help you observe.
1. Screaming in the supermarket to get something
The antecedent may be walking through the sweets aisle and hearing: “We are not buying chocolate today”.
The behaviour is clear: the child screams, cries, lies on the floor or insists more and more loudly.
If the adult gives in “just this once”, the consequence is that the child gets what they wanted. The possible function is obtaining the object.
The most helpful response is to keep the limit with few words: “We are not buying chocolate today”. If needed, move away from the trigger and wait for the activation to drop.
2. Throwing themselves on the floor when the tablet has to stop
The antecedent may be a difficult transition: leaving a very stimulating activity.
If the tantrum results in five more minutes, the behaviour may learn that screaming extends screen time.
An alternative is to prepare the transition: “In five minutes, we turn it off”. Then the limit is kept, even if anger appears.
It is not about fighting the tablet. It is about creating a closing ritual and holding the discomfort without changing the rule every time.
3. Hitting when asked to get dressed
The antecedent may be the rush of the morning. It may also be a task that is hard for the child: buttons, textures, sleepiness or feeling pressured.
The behaviour may be hitting, pushing or shouting “I don’t want to”.
The possible function is escaping a task that feels too much. The helpful response is not only telling the child off. It may also involve breaking the task into steps, offering two clothing options and setting the limit: “You can be angry; you cannot hit”.
4. Becoming dysregulated after school
Some children hold everything together during the school day and then explode when they get home.
This does not mean that they “behave worse with you”. Often, it means they feel safe enough with you to release what has built up.
In these cases, it may help to offer a snack, lower demands for a few minutes and leave important questions for later.
What to do before a tantrum
The best intervention does not always happen in the middle of the tantrum. Very often, it starts before.
When a family observes patterns, it can prepare difficult moments more effectively.
Preparing the ground
It helps to prepare transitions, protect sleep routines, check hunger and tiredness, and reduce demands when the child is already very activated.
Offering limited choices can also help: “Do you want to put on your shoes first or your coat first?”.
That does not mean the child decides everything. It means they participate within a clear framework.
Small adjustments that help
- Prepare transitions: “In five minutes, we tidy up”.
- Use predictable routines for sleep, meals and screens.
- Offer two valid choices, not ten.
- Avoid starting difficult tasks when the child is already at their limit.
- Reinforce small attempts to wait, ask for help or accept a change.
What to do during a tantrum
During a strong tantrum, safety comes first.
If there is hitting, dangerous objects or a risk of harm, protect first. Then reduce words and lower your tone.
Trying to reason too much during the emotional peak rarely works. The child is too activated to listen to a long explanation.
Staying close without losing the limit
Validation does not mean giving in. You can say: “I can see you are very angry. I am not going to let you hit”.
You can also say: “I know you wanted to keep playing. Even so, it is time to tidy up now”.
In the middle of the storm, your calm is the umbrella. The limit remains, but the tone changes a great deal.
What to do after a tantrum
When the intensity drops, an important opportunity appears.
Not for a long lecture. Yes for repairing, naming what happened and teaching an alternative.
Repairing and teaching
After the tantrum, the child may feel tired, ashamed or sensitive.
A short conversation is usually more useful than a long discussion. For example: “Before, you were very angry because there was no more tablet. Next time, you can say: it is hard for me to stop”.
It also helps to reinforce any progress, even if it is small: asking for help, stopping hitting sooner, breathing or accepting comfort.
A simple sequence
- Name what happened without humiliating.
- Remind the child of the limit briefly.
- Teach one concrete alternative.
- Repair if there was harm.
- Reinforce any attempt at regulation.
Tantrum traffic light: green, amber and red
This traffic light does not replace a professional assessment. However, it can help you organise what you are living at home.
Green
Occasional, brief tantrums related to frustration, tiredness or age-appropriate limits.
The child recovers afterwards and family life does not revolve around avoiding tantrums.
Amber
Frequent, intense tantrums that are difficult to calm.
They begin to interfere with family routines, school, sleep or sibling relationships.
Red
Strong aggression, self-harm, very long episodes or fear within the family.
Also if there are concerns about neurodevelopment, language, anxiety or trauma.
ABC record to use at home
If tantrums happen often, writing things down for one or two weeks can provide a lot of information.
This is not about monitoring the child. It is about observing without judgement.
What you can write down
- Day and time.
- What happened immediately before.
- What the child did in observable terms.
- What the adult did afterwards.
- What the child gained or avoided.
- Context: sleep, hunger, screens, changes or tiredness.
The ABC record is not about catching anyone out. It is about seeing what repeats and what we can do differently.
Sentences that can help during a tantrum
Words do not solve everything, but they can prevent the escalation from becoming bigger.
During a tantrum, short, clear and repeatable sentences work best.
- “I can see you are very angry. I am not going to let you hit”.
- “I know you wanted to keep playing. Even so, it is time to tidy up”.
- “I am here. The limit stays the same”.
- “When your body is calmer, we can talk”.
- “You can be angry; you cannot hurt people”.
- “I will help you calm down, but I am not going to change the rule because you are screaming”.
What is best to avoid
There are very human responses that, unintentionally, often make the situation worse.
- Shouting over the child.
- Giving long speeches during the escalation.
- Ridiculing or shaming.
- Threatening with impossible punishments.
- Always giving in so the tantrum stops.
- Labelling the child as bad, spoilt or manipulative.
- Punishing the emotion instead of setting limits around the behaviour.
Tantrums by age: what is expected and what to observe
Age matters a lot. A tantrum in a 2-year-old is not the same as a tantrum in a 7-year-old.
Even so, no age works like a mathematical rule. What matters is frequency, intensity, duration, recovery and context.
Tantrums at 2 and 3 years old
At this stage, tantrums are very common. The child wants more independence, but still has limited emotional language and limited ability to wait.
They may cry, scream, lie on the floor or become frustrated by simple limits.
If the episodes are brief, appear in understandable contexts and the child recovers, they are usually part of development.
Tantrums at 4 and 5 years old
At these ages, we expect to see more language and more capacity to recover.
Tantrums may still appear, especially with tiredness, changes, screens or important limits.
However, if they are very intense, very long or affect school and family life, it is worth observing more closely.
Tantrums from 6 years old onwards
From around 6 years old, explosive and frequent tantrums are less expected.
This does not mean the child “will always be like this”. It means they may need help developing resources they do not yet have.
In these cases, an assessment can help clarify whether there are difficulties with regulation, anxiety, attention, language, sensory sensitivity or other factors.
When to seek psychological support for tantrums
You do not need to wait until everything is out of control before seeking help.
If family life starts revolving around avoiding tantrums, it is already worth pausing to understand what is happening.
It may be helpful to seek support if you notice:
- Very frequent tantrums, or several tantrums a day.
- Very long episodes that are difficult to interrupt.
- Strong aggression towards other people.
- Self-harm or hitting against objects.
- Significant difficulty recovering calm.
- Problems both at home and at school.
- Parents feeling overwhelmed, frightened or without strategies.
- Concerns about ADHD, autism, high abilities, anxiety, trauma or language difficulties.
From an article, we cannot and should not give diagnostic labels.
What we can do is help you recognise when it makes sense to assess whether there is something else, beyond the tantrums, that may need to be explored.
How Ocnos Psychology Clinic can help
At Ocnos Psychology Clinic, in Palmones, we work with families who arrive exhausted, worried and often carrying a lot of guilt.
The aim of clinical work is not to find someone to blame. It is to understand the pattern.
Together, we can explore what happens before the tantrum, what function it may serve, which adult responses help and which may maintain the problem without anyone intending to.
Assessment, family guidance and a realistic plan
A psychological assessment may include a family interview, observation of the child, questionnaires, functional behaviour analysis and, if needed, coordination with school.
The work often focuses on adjusting routines, limits, transitions, emotional language and co-regulation strategies.
In some cases, it may also be useful to explore areas such as psychological assessment, neuropsychology or anxiety treatment, especially if there are wider signs.
If you live in Palmones, Los Barrios, Algeciras, La Línea de la Concepción, San Roque, Sotogrande or Gibraltar, you can ask for in-person or online support.
At Ocnos, we do not work so that your child “becomes someone else”. We work so that both your child and your family have more tools, less guilt and a calmer daily life.
You may also find it helpful to read our article on challenging behaviour, visit the Ocnos blog or learn more about María Ángeles Sanz Ruiz.
Frequently asked questions about tantrums in children
Are tantrums in children normal?
Yes, especially between the ages of 2 and 4. They often appear when a child is frustrated, tired or given a limit. It is helpful to observe frequency, intensity, duration and recovery.
At what age are tantrums most common?
They are usually most common between the ages of 2 and 3. As the child develops more language and emotional regulation, tantrums are expected to gradually reduce.
What should I do when my child has a very strong tantrum?
Prioritise safety, lower your tone, use few words and keep the limit. Do not try to reason during the emotional peak. When the child calms down, you can talk and teach an alternative.
Should I ignore a child’s tantrum?
It is not about ignoring the child. Sometimes it is helpful not to reinforce certain behaviours, but the adult should remain present, protect, support and keep the limit calmly.
What should I do if my child hits during a tantrum?
Stop the aggression and protect everyone. You can say: “I can see you are angry, but I am not going to let you hit”. Later, when the child calms down, teach another way to ask for help or express anger.
When should I worry about tantrums?
It is worth seeking guidance if tantrums are very frequent, very long, involve strong aggression or self-harm, affect family or school life, or if the family feels that daily life revolves around avoiding tantrums.
Can tantrums be related to ADHD or autism?
Sometimes tantrums can appear alongside ADHD, autism, anxiety, high abilities or language difficulties, but a tantrum on its own does not diagnose anything. A full assessment is needed.
How can I prevent tantrums without always giving in?
Routines, preparation, limited choices, clear limits and checking sleep, hunger, screens and tiredness can all help. Preventing tantrums does not mean avoiding all limits.
When should I take my child to a psychologist for tantrums?
When the family feels overwhelmed, frightened or guilty, when tantrums affect daily life, or when you suspect that there may be another underlying difficulty.
Sources and further reading
This article is for informational purposes and does not replace an individual psychological assessment.
To read more about children’s tantrums, emotional regulation and behaviour, you can consult these clinical sources:
Are your child’s tantrums becoming overwhelming?
If you feel that every day revolves around avoiding the next tantrum, it may be time to look at it with support. At Ocnos Psychology Clinic, we can assess what may be maintaining the behaviour and build a realistic plan for your family.