Key idea: using the language of self-care does not automatically make a decision healthy. To distinguish protection from avoidance, it helps to consider the context, the purpose the behaviour serves and its consequences: does it help me care for myself and move forwards, or does it simply reduce distress now while making my life smaller later?
“I’m protecting my peace.” “I need space.” “I don’t owe anyone an explanation.” A few years ago, many people did not have the words to talk about boundaries, emotions or mental health. Today, this language is everywhere and, in many ways, that is good news: it allows us to name needs that once went unspoken.
However, mental health language can also hide avoidance. Not because these phrases are necessarily untrue, but because no expression, however therapeutic it sounds, can explain by itself what we are doing. Two people may both say, “I’m prioritising my mental health”, while one rests in order to recover and the other leaves an important situation for the fifth time as soon as anxiety appears.
This article is not intended to expose anyone or turn self-care into selfishness. Its suggestion is more useful, and rather more uncomfortable: stop judging decisions only by the name we give them and start looking at what we are using them for.
The problem is not the words: it is when they replace reflection
Psychological language can help us understand what we are going through. Talking about boundaries, emotional regulation, trauma or relational responsibility can open conversations that once felt impossible. The problem begins when a label becomes the end of the discussion: “This is a boundary, so there is nothing more to talk about”; “my body rejects it, therefore it is dangerous”; “that person is toxic, so any response is justified”.
A short phrase compresses a complex situation. It does not capture the history of the relationship, the severity of the harm, what has been communicated, the available alternatives, the pattern that keeps repeating or the cost of the decision. It may provide direction, but it should not replace those questions.
It is also worth remembering something simple: knowing therapeutic vocabulary does not make us immune to fear, impulsivity or self-deception. We can speak very precisely about our emotions and still use that precision to keep our distance from what makes us uncomfortable.
The question is not only “what do I call what I am doing?”, but “what am I doing it for, and what effect does it have on my life?”.
What is experiential avoidance, and why does it bring such relief?
Experiential avoidance occurs when we try to escape, control or reduce thoughts, emotions, memories, urges or internal sensations, particularly when that effort begins to interfere with what matters to us. It is not the same as moving away from genuine danger, and it does not mean that we should expose ourselves to everything.
Avoidance is not always a problem, either. Postponing a conversation until we are calmer, cancelling plans when we are unwell or ending a harmful relationship may be sensible. The difficulty arises when the immediate removal of discomfort becomes our main and repeated basis for making decisions.
Longitudinal studies have associated experiential avoidance with the course of emotional difficulties. However, it does not operate in isolation and needs to be understood alongside processes such as worry and rumination, as well as the person’s circumstances. This caution matters: we are describing a psychological pattern, not a universal explanation or a diagnosis.
Anxiety, guilt, anger, shame, uncertainty or physical tension.
We cancel, block, postpone, check repeatedly or shut down the conversation.
Our activation drops, seeming to confirm that leaving was the only option.
Fear, unfinished matters or reliance on avoidance begin to grow.
Relief reinforces behaviour: if not replying to a message reduces our anxiety, we are more likely to do the same next time. But the fact that something provides relief does not prove that it is healthy. Scratching an itch also brings relief; if we do it repeatedly, it can make the wound worse.
A longitudinal study involving 2,316 adults found that experiential avoidance was consistently associated with emotional disorders and predicted later changes in distress. Another follow-up study on depression found links with its onset, relapse and maintenance, although the authors noted an overlap with factors such as rumination and worry. You can read the studies in Behavior Therapy and Cognitive Therapy and Research.
The same behaviour can be self-care or avoidance
From the outside, two behaviours may look identical. Two people cancel a dinner. One has been exhausted for weeks, gives plenty of notice and suggests another date. The other cancels every meeting as soon as they fear being judged, then criticises themselves for becoming increasingly isolated. The visible action is “not going”; its purpose and consequences are not the same.
To understand a decision, we need to look through three lenses:
The context
Is there danger, abuse, genuine exhaustion or a repeated violation? Is this a new situation or part of a recurring history?
The purpose
Is the behaviour protecting an important need, or trying to remove an emotion that feels unbearable as quickly as possible?
The consequences
Does it lead to greater safety, clarity and capacity to act, or to more isolation, fear and unfinished business?
Intention matters, but it is not enough. We may genuinely intend to care for ourselves while choosing a strategy that ultimately harms us. Equally, a healthy decision can hurt, cause guilt or upset someone else. Relief does not certify that a choice is right; discomfort does not prove that it is wrong.
16 mental health phrases that deserve a second question
The following phrases are not “red flags” or forbidden expressions. Every one of them can describe a legitimate decision. The aim is to notice what each phrase means in a particular situation and prevent persuasive wording from closing down a reflection we still need to have.
Autonomy, peace and boundaries
1. “I’m protecting my peace”
It may be self-careWhen it reduces genuine overload, moves us away from repeated aggression or allows us to regain perspective before making a decision.
It may conceal avoidanceWhen “peace” means that nobody can disagree with us, hold us accountable or suggest an uncomfortable conversation.
Helpful question: am I seeking safety and rest, or a life without any friction?
2. “I’m setting boundaries”
It may be self-careA clear boundary explains what we will accept, what we need and what we will do if the situation continues.
It may conceal avoidanceIf we use the word to punish, control the other person or end the relationship without communicating what has happened.
Helpful question: have I expressed a need and a consequence, or am I expecting the other person to guess?
3. “I don’t owe anyone an explanation”
It may be self-careWe do not need to justify every private decision or persuade everyone before exercising our autonomy.
It may conceal avoidanceAutonomy does not erase commitments, agreements or foreseeable effects within a relationship.
Helpful question: am I being asked for a justification that is not owed, or avoiding responsibility for something I agreed to?
4. “I’m choosing myself”
It may be self-careWhen we stop abandoning ourselves, reconnect with neglected needs or leave a dynamic that is harming us.
It may conceal avoidanceWhen “choosing myself” becomes acting as though my decisions do not affect anyone else.
Helpful question: can I care for myself without denying that another person exists and may also be affected?
Discomfort, the body and intuition
5. “I’m prioritising my mental health”
It may be self-careResting, reducing an unsustainable workload, asking for help or reorganising a routine may be necessary.
It may conceal avoidanceIf we systematically leave every task, relationship or process that brings frustration, uncertainty or effort.
Helpful question: does this decision restore me so I can return to my life, or remove me from more and more parts of it?
6. “I’m listening to my body”
It may be self-careThe body provides valuable information about tiredness, pain, hunger, tension, fear and the need for rest.
It may conceal avoidanceA sensation is information, not a verdict. Activation may signal danger, but it can also indicate novelty, shame, desire or a learned memory.
Helpful question: what other explanations might fit this sensation besides “I have to get away”?
7. “My intuition is telling me to walk away”
It may be self-careSometimes we notice inconsistencies, warning signs or patterns that we have not yet put into words.
It may conceal avoidanceIntuition also learns from past experiences. It can feel very similar to fear when a present situation reminds us of an earlier one.
Helpful question: which specific facts support my intuition, and which parts come from a prediction?
8. “I don’t want toxic people in my life”
It may be self-careSome relationships involve violence, manipulation, humiliation or repeated violations from which we need to protect ourselves.
It may conceal avoidance“Toxic” can become a label for anyone who frustrates us, disagrees, makes a mistake or sets a boundary with us.
Helpful question: can I describe specific behaviours without reducing the whole person to a label?
If you find it difficult to separate facts, thoughts, sensations and urges, you may find our guide on what thoughts are and how to relate to them useful. You can also learn how to use the butterfly hug as a brief grounding exercise before responding.
Relationships and relational responsibility
9. “If they want to be in my life, they will be”
It may be self-careIt can help us recognise relationships sustained by one person alone and stop chasing reciprocity that never comes.
It may conceal avoidanceNo relationship maintains itself. Sometimes we need to ask, negotiate, repair, show interest and tolerate the possibility of hearing no.
Helpful question: have I expressed what I need, or am I using silence as a test the other person does not know they are taking?
10. “I need space”
It may be self-careAn agreed pause can lower emotional activation and allow a conversation to continue more respectfully.
It may conceal avoidanceSpace without a timeframe, explanation or contact can leave the other person waiting indefinitely.
Helpful question: can I explain why I need this pause and when I will make contact again?
11. “I’m closing this chapter”
It may be self-careAccepting a loss, recognising that a relationship has ended and no longer pursuing it can release a great deal of energy.
It may conceal avoidance“Closure” can mean disappearing before facing a goodbye, an apology or an unfinished conversation.
Helpful question: does the closure I need depend on me, or am I avoiding a specific action I could still take?
12. “It’s not my responsibility to manage their emotions”
It may be self-careWe are not responsible for regulating another person completely or preventing them from feeling sadness, anger or disappointment.
It may conceal avoidanceWe can still be responsible for our words, our actions, the agreements we have made and their reasonably foreseeable impact.
Helpful question: am I being asked to carry another person’s emotion, or to answer for my own behaviour?
In a relationship, regulation is neither an entirely individual task nor a responsibility that falls wholly on the other person. People affect one another and can also help each other regain calm. A study involving 228 couples linked experiential avoidance with observed communication during conflict and with relationship quality. This does not mean that all withdrawal harms a relationship, but it reminds us that the way we deal with distress has interpersonal effects. You can read the study in the Journal of Family Issues.
If you are facing repeated conflict, distance or difficulty negotiating needs, couples therapy can help distinguish genuine incompatibilities from communication patterns that may still be changed.
Uncertainty, effort and imprecise language
13. “I’m not going to force anything”
It may be self-careAccepting that we cannot control another person’s desire, response or decision prevents futile struggles.
It may conceal avoidanceWhat matters to us often requires asking, practising, tolerating some uncertainty and risking the possibility that things may not go well.
Helpful question: am I letting go of what is beyond my control, or giving up on the part that is mine to do?
14. “I don’t want to lower my vibration”
It may be self-careIt may be an informal way of saying that we need less stimulation, some rest or distance from a hostile dynamic.
It may conceal avoidanceSadness, fear, anger and guilt are not lower states that must be expelled. They are human emotions that may require attention.
Helpful question: am I protecting my energy, or treating a normal emotion as though it were contaminating?
15. “I’m manifesting the life I deserve”
It may be self-careImagining a desired direction can help us connect with our values, hopes and goals.
It may conceal avoidanceExpectation does not replace action, skills, resources or circumstances. Nor does it explain the suffering of someone going through a difficult situation.
Helpful question: what observable action can I take this week to move towards that life?
16. “This no longer resonates with me”
It may be self-carePriorities change, and it is legitimate to recognise that an activity, idea or relationship no longer fits.
It may conceal avoidanceVague language can prevent us from stating what is troubling us, what we have decided and what responsibility we are taking.
Helpful question: if I could not use the word “resonate”, how would I explain in concrete terms what has changed?
Seven questions to distinguish protection from avoidance
There is no infallible test. Even so, these questions tend to provide more information than asking only whether a decision makes us feel good:
- Is there genuine danger or harm? Look for facts: threats, violence, humiliation, control, repeated violations or a clear deterioration in your health.
- Which emotion am I trying not to feel? Naming anxiety, guilt, shame, anger or uncertainty helps us consider whether the urgency comes from the situation or the emotion.
- Is this a one-off decision or a pattern? Cancelling once may be rest; cancelling whenever you fear being judged may maintain anxiety.
- Have I communicated what I need? When it is safe to do so, a specific request gives us more information than disappearing or expecting the other person to guess.
- What happens after the relief? Notice the hours and days that follow: is there clarity and recovery, or do fear, isolation and unfinished matters grow?
- Does this move me towards my values? Not only towards feeling good, but towards being the person, partner, friend or professional I want to try to be.
- What would I advise someone I care about? Some distance can help us apply the same care and responsibility we would offer another person.
A brief exercise before blocking, cancelling or disappearing
When there is no immediate danger and your level of activation allows you to pause, you can try this exercise. It is not intended to force you to maintain a relationship or guarantee that you make the “right” decision. Its purpose is to widen your options before you act automatically.
The five-line pause
- Fact: in one sentence, describe what a camera would have recorded, without interpreting anyone’s intentions.
- Experience: name the emotion, physical sensation and urge that arise.
- Need: state clearly what you need to protect, ask for, clarify or restore.
- Options: write at least three possible responses, including one that is neither running away nor forcing yourself to carry on as before.
- Next step: choose a small action you can still stand by once the initial relief has faded.
For example, “they raised their voice twice during the conversation” is more precise than “they are a toxic person”. “I feel frightened and want to block them” separates the experience from an instruction. “I need us to be able to talk without shouting” turns distress into a need that can be communicated. The next step might be to end that conversation and say: “I’m going to stop now. If we can return to this tomorrow without shouting, I will talk with you; if it happens again, I will leave.”
In other situations, the next step may be not to reply, to seek support or to end contact. The pause is not there to make you endure more, but to help you decide with as much clarity and freedom as possible. If creating that space is difficult, learning about mindfulness in psychological practice may help you observe an urge without turning it into an order.
Not every uncomfortable experience should be endured, and not every relationship should be repaired
An essential clarification
Discussing avoidance does not mean recommending that you remain in an abusive, dangerous or degrading relationship. If there is physical or sexual violence, threats, harassment, coercive control, fear for your safety or a foreseeable risk of retaliation, your priority is to protect yourself and seek support. You do not owe a final conversation to someone who may use it to harm you.
Nor can or should every relationship be repaired. Sometimes we have explained a boundary repeatedly and it has not been respected. Sometimes the other person denies the facts, manipulates the conversation or uses every contact to reopen the harm. Creating distance, blocking contact or limiting information may then be a proportionate response.
The difference is not about being brave at any cost. It is about not confusing two distinct situations: protecting ourselves from harm and protecting ourselves from feeling any discomfort. The first may increase our safety and autonomy. When the second becomes generalised, it usually reduces them.
Not everything that feels uncomfortable is harmful.
Not everything that brings relief is healthy.
When talking about it in therapy may help
You do not need therapy simply because you use one of these phrases. Support may be helpful when you notice a pattern that keeps repeating and you cannot understand or change it. For example:
- you end relationships or withdraw impulsively and regret it afterwards;
- difficult conversations produce a level of activation that feels unmanageable;
- you are avoiding more and more places, people, sensations or decisions;
- you find it hard to distinguish a warning sign from a response learned through earlier experiences;
- you move between putting up with everything and cutting off contact abruptly;
- you understand the pattern intellectually, but the relief of avoidance continues to win.
Therapy is not about persuading you to return to a relationship or taking away your boundaries. The work may involve understanding what activates the response, which consequences maintain it, how to communicate more clearly, when to approach safe discomfort gradually and when to protect yourself without guilt.
At Ocnos Psychology Clinic, we work with anxiety, avoidance, emotional regulation, decision-making and relationship difficulties from our psychology clinic in Palmones. We support people across Campo de Gibraltar and can also provide online therapy when clinically appropriate.
Sources and further reading
- Spinhoven et al. (2014): a longitudinal study of experiential avoidance and emotional disorders.
- Spinhoven et al. (2016): experiential avoidance in the onset, relapse and maintenance of depressive disorders.
- Zamir et al. (2018): experiential avoidance, couple communication and relationship quality.
- Ocnos: what thoughts are and how to relate to them.
- Ocnos: the butterfly hug as a brief grounding exercise.
Frequently asked questions about self-care and avoidance
How do I know whether I am setting a boundary or avoiding a conversation?
A boundary usually makes clear which behaviour you will not accept, what you need and what you will do if it continues. Avoidance primarily seeks to make the distress disappear and often leaves the situation unresolved. However, if speaking would expose you to danger or further aggression, you are not obliged to continue the conversation.
Is walking away from someone always emotional avoidance?
No. Walking away can be a decision based on safety, grief, rest or closure. It helps to consider the context, the pattern and the consequences. Taking distance alone does not tell us whether a behaviour is healthy or avoidant.
Can listening to my body lead me to the wrong conclusion?
The body provides important information, but sensations do not have a single cause. Activation may arise in response to danger, novelty, a memory, shame or anxiety. Listening to your body includes noticing the signal and considering it alongside the facts and the context.
Do I always have to explain myself in order to act responsibly in a relationship?
No. Relational responsibility does not require you to justify every decision or remain endlessly available. It does involve considering agreements, communicating what is needed when it is safe and taking responsibility for the foreseeable impact of your actions without assuming complete responsibility for another person’s reaction.
What is the difference between resting and avoiding?
Rest usually helps us recover resources so that we can return to a meaningful life. Problematic avoidance brings immediate relief but tends to repeat itself and reduce activities, relationships or autonomy. The difference is often clearer over time than on any single day.
Is experiential avoidance a psychological disorder?
No. It is a process or pattern that can occur in many people and across different psychological difficulties. It is not a diagnosis in itself. Its relevance depends on its frequency, rigidity, context and the degree to which it interferes with life.
If immediate relief is making too many decisions for you
We can help you understand what you are trying to protect, what keeps the pattern going and how to make decisions more flexibly, without giving up your boundaries or forcing yourself to tolerate what harms you.
This content is for information only and does not replace an individual psychological assessment. The same behaviour may serve different purposes depending on a person’s history, circumstances and safety. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 112.