Key idea: Disney did not invent the way we love, nor can it explain by itself what happens in a relationship. Its stories did, however, make certain romantic scripts unforgettable: love at first sight as certainty, the one true soulmate, love that transforms another person and happiness achieved by finding a partner. Reconsidering those stories does not mean giving up fantasy. It means no longer asking real life to last ninety minutes and finish just after the kiss.
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If you grew up in the 1980s or 1990s, some of your earliest lessons about love may have arrived on a VHS tape. You had to blow on it when it refused to work — a technical procedure of great prestige and doubtful effectiveness — rewind it before returning it to the video shop, and accept that your romantic future consisted of finding somebody, overcoming an obstacle and looking together towards a pastel-coloured horizon.
Many of us learnt what true love’s kiss meant before we learnt how to discuss money, boundaries, desire, household chores or whose turn it was to take the rubbish out. To be fair, all of that would have been rather difficult to fit into a three-minute song.
My name is Héctor Lozano. I am a General Health Psychologist and I belong to the generation that watched these stories repeatedly. I remember them fondly. Some of the films still move me, and I do not think every childhood memory needs to be turned into forensic evidence. At the same time, my work with individuals and couples allows me to see what can happen when a beautiful metaphor becomes a rigid rule for judging a real relationship.
In this article, I want to revisit the romantic love myths many of us encountered in classic Disney films. This is not an attempt to put Cinderella on the therapy couch or diagnose the Beast — neither of them has booked an appointment. It is a way to understand why certain ideas are so appealing and which alternatives may help us build freer, safer and more reciprocal relationships.
We were promised Prince Charming and received a rather questionable idea of love. The good news is that scripts can be revised.
A childhood of VHS tapes, songs and happy endings
A film does not enter an empty mind and write its future. We learn about love and relationships from many sources: what we saw at home, how conflict was handled, songs, novels, advertising, friendships, our first emotional experiences and the models available in our culture. Disney was one influence among many, although it was an especially memorable one.
For many millennials, those stories were not watched once. We replayed them until we knew every song, recognised the sound before a particular scene and later realised that our parents deserved a medal for enduring the same film on forty separate afternoons. Repetition does not force us to believe a message. It can, however, make certain images feel like a familiar reference for what a love story is “supposed” to feel like.
Context matters too. In many classics, finding a partner served as the great narrative resolution. A heroine might long for freedom, recognition or a different life, but the romantic bond often carried much of the ending’s emotional meaning. These models were also overwhelmingly heterosexual. Even so, their messages about being chosen, becoming complete or making sacrifices can affect people of different genders and sexual orientations.
What are romantic love myths?
Romantic love myths are simplified cultural beliefs about how love should begin, feel or endure. They are not necessarily absurd lies. They often contain something recognisable and desirable — excitement, devotion, commitment or intimacy — but turn it into a universal rule.
Being romantic is not the problem. Giving flowers, being moved by a song or feeling butterflies does not harm a relationship. Difficulties arise when an expectation becomes rigid: “If I have doubts, it cannot be love”, “If they loved me, they would know what I need”, “If this were the right person, everything would be easy” or “Love means putting up with it”.
Romance is not the same as a romantic myth
Romance can express affection and connection. A myth, by contrast, tries to explain an entire relationship with a single formula. When reality does not fit that formula, somebody may blame themselves, idealise an incompatible partner or tolerate behaviour that violates their boundaries.
Did Disney teach us how to love? What the research can tell us
The most accurate answer is this: Disney may have played a part in how we learnt about relationships, but we cannot say that it determined the way we love. The available research does not support headlines such as “Disney ruined our relationships”.
A 2021 study by Veronica Hefner and Valerie Kretz analysed responses from 438 university students. It found an association between viewing Disney Princess films and self-worth that depended more heavily on having a romantic partner, particularly among men, as well as acceptance of certain male courtship strategies. However, it did not find a significant relationship with every romantic belief the researchers examined.
It was also a cross-sectional study: it measured variables at one point in time. We therefore cannot conclude that watching the films caused those attitudes. Family upbringing, personality, relationship experiences and other cultural material may all have contributed. It is even possible that people remember or seek out particular stories because those stories already resonate with their beliefs.
That qualification does not make the finding unimportant; it puts it in the right place. Stories can offer models, normalise expectations and give memorable images to romantic love myths that already circulate in society. Between a childhood film and an adult relationship, however, lies an entire personal history.
Five romantic love myths worth reconsidering
These myths do not belong exclusively to Disney. They appear in novels, songs, romantic comedies, advertising and ordinary conversation. Classic films turned them into scenes that are difficult to forget. The useful question is not “Which film is to blame?”, but “Which part of this script am I still following without realising?”
Love at first sight proves that this is “the one”
In many fairy tales, two people see one another, the music begins and the plot already knows a truth they have barely had time to test. The scene works because it compresses attraction, hope and destiny into a single moment. In a real relationship, however, feeling something intensely is not the same as knowing somebody.
Immediate attraction exists. So can a powerful feeling of familiarity. Neither tells us, by itself, how somebody manages conflict, whether they respect a “no”, how they care for others when tired, what they do with frustration or whether they share important values. Chemistry may open a door; it should not sign the entire contract.
Move from “I knew the moment I saw them” to “I feel attracted to them and want to discover who they are”. Emotion can begin the story; compatibility becomes clearer later.
There is one soulmate destined for you
The idea that only one person can complete us sounds very romantic, but it places enormous pressure on a relationship. If there is one predestined partner, every doubt may feel like evidence of failure. Every loss may feel as though another meaningful life can never be built.
It can also make need feel indistinguishable from love: “I am nothing without you”, “Only you understand me” or “If you leave, I will be incomplete”. Healthy intimacy does not require us to be entirely self-sufficient or deny that we need other people. It is closer to interdependence: I can rely on you without making you solely responsible for my identity, worth and purpose.
Move from “You complete me” to “I choose you, and we build together”. A partner can enrich life without becoming the only source of self-esteem, belonging or hope for the future.
True love saves or transforms the other person
Love can accompany profound change. Feeling loved, seen and supported matters. But supporting someone does not give us magical power over their will. If a person does not recognise their behaviour, accept responsibility or want to change, their partner cannot do that work for them.
This myth appears when somebody keeps waiting for a future version of their partner: “When they feel secure, they will stop controlling me”, “When they understand how much I love them, they will stop drinking” or “Deep down, they are different”. Hope can sustain us, but it can also keep us attached to a promise that never becomes behaviour.
Even with Beauty and the Beast, it is worth avoiding an overly simple interpretation. Belle is not acting as a therapist, and the transformation belongs to the logic of a fairy tale. The useful real-life lesson is not that we should love a hostile person hard enough. It is that change only becomes credible when the person concerned takes an active part in it.
Move from “My love will change them” to “I look at what they do today”. Apologies matter, but change is recognised through sustained action and responsibility.
Losing part of yourself proves how much you love
Relationships involve compromise. We cannot always choose the restaurant, preserve every individual plan or expect shared life to adapt entirely to us. The difficulty begins when compromise is no longer reciprocal and one person repeatedly makes their voice, relationships, ambitions or boundaries smaller in order to keep the relationship.
Ariel is sometimes used as an example of somebody who leaves her world for a man. That interpretation overlooks the fact that she was curious about the human world before she met Eric. Even so, the story allows us to ask a useful adult question: am I moving towards a life that I also want, or am I leaving my life behind to stop somebody from leaving me?
Permanent sacrifice can look like devotion from the outside and feel like disappearance from within. Over time, it often produces exhaustion and resentment, as well as a relationship in which one person no longer knows what they want except in relation to the other.
Move from “If they love me, they will appreciate everything I give up for them” to “We negotiate what each person needs and wishes to protect”. Compromise can be caring; disappearing is not.
Finding a partner means finding happiness
Fairy tales often end where shared life begins. The kiss, wedding or reunion resolves the conflict, and “happily ever after” appears. We do not see who puts the washing on, how Christmas is divided between two families, what happens when desire changes or who acknowledges that they caused hurt during an argument.
Finding a partner can be deeply meaningful, but it does not automatically resolve loneliness, insecurity, fear of abandonment or a lack of personal direction. Treating a relationship as the final proof of a successful life may cause single life to feel like a personal defect. It may also keep somebody in an unsatisfying relationship because beginning again feels unbearable.
A healthy relationship is not a prize awarded at the end of an adventure. It is always in motion: conversation, desire, boundaries, agreements, mistakes, repair and many decisions that would never make the film trailer.
Move from “They lived happily ever after” to “They chose to care for one another while the relationship remained respectful and worthwhile for both”. Love does not remove the work of relating; it gives that work meaning.
It was not only Disney — and Disney did not stay the same
It would be unfair to place several generations’ entire understanding of love on the shoulders of one sixteen-year-old mermaid. Romantic love myths were present in songs, novels, adult films, magazines, advertising and family messages. Disney did not invent them; it told them with extraordinary visual and musical power.
The company’s stories have also changed. Frozen plays directly with the idea that becoming engaged to somebody you have just met may not be wise, while placing the love between sisters at its centre. Moana builds its adventure around identity and purpose rather than finding a partner. Encanto considers family expectations and personal worth. Inside Out, produced by Pixar, made emotional understanding the protagonist.
This offers a hopeful reminder: cultural stories evolve, and so do we. We can keep the songs, the emotion and the pleasure of returning to a familiar film without keeping every idea as an instruction for adult life.
Reflection exercise: which romantic script are you still carrying?
Read the following questions without trying to calculate a score. They are not a diagnostic test and cannot decide whether your relationship is healthy. They are prompts for noticing which romantic love myths appear most often and how they influence your choices.
- Do I expect my partner to guess what I need without my having to say it?
- Do I interpret jealousy, persistence or intensity as proof of love?
- Do I believe that the right relationship should not require difficult conversations?
- Do I confuse strong chemistry with compatibility in important areas?
- Do I feel less worthy when I am not in a relationship?
- Do I trust that my love will change behaviour the other person does not acknowledge?
- Have I given up needs, friendships or boundaries because I fear losing the relationship?
- Do I compare a real relationship with a fantasy no human being could sustain?
Choose one question that made you slightly uncomfortable. Then complete three sentences: “The story I learnt was…”, “This idea protects me from…” and “A more flexible alternative would be…”. Sometimes a myth persists not because we are naïve, but because it offers certainty. Believing in one predestined person can spare us, temporarily, from tolerating the uncertainty involved in getting to know, choosing and risking.
From fairy tale to real relationship: six ways to rewrite the script
Questioning romantic love myths does not require us to become cold or suspicious. It allows us to replace impossible certainties with skills we can actually practise.
Conscious choice
I do not need to know whether you are “the one”. I can notice how we treat one another, which values we share and whether we both choose to keep building.
Communicating needs
Intimacy does not turn anybody into a mind reader. Asking, listening and clarifying can prevent unnecessary resentment.
Support with boundaries
I can support a process of change without excusing harm or taking responsibility for decisions that belong to the other person.
Reciprocity
We do not need to count every gesture, but we can notice whether both people’s needs have room and whether care moves in both directions.
Emotional safety
Calm does not mean a lack of love. Being yourself, disagreeing without fear and repairing after conflict can also create connection.
Everyday construction
A relationship is sustained through repeated choices. Repair is usually less photogenic than a ballroom dance, but considerably more useful.
If you would like to explore these skills further, read our article on communication and conflict in couples. Understanding attachment styles in relationships may also help you recognise how people seek closeness, interpret distance and respond to the fear of losing a bond.
When this is no longer only about romantic expectations
Believing in a soulmate does not, by itself, cause violence. However, ideas such as “love conquers all”, “jealousy shows that they care” or “I must fight for this relationship at any cost” can make it more difficult to recognise control, seek help or leave a relationship in which there is fear.
Research published by Spain’s Instituto de las Mujeres considers how romantic myths and less visible forms of abuse may shape the interpretation of certain behaviours. This is one reason we must distinguish ordinary relationship conflict from a pattern of coercion or violence.
If there is fear, control or violence, safety comes first
Threats, surveillance, isolation, financial control, sexual coercion or fear of what will happen after saying “no” cannot be solved simply by communicating better. Couples therapy may be inappropriate while there is active violence or an imbalance that prevents either person from speaking freely.
In Gibraltar: call 999 in an emergency. The Royal Gibraltar Police Domestic Abuse Team can be contacted in confidence on 200 67001 or by WhatsApp on 54086014. In Spain: call 112 if there is immediate danger. The official 016 service offers women information, legal advice and immediate psychosocial support; it also provides WhatsApp, online chat and email options.
When psychology may help
You do not need to have lived through a dramatic film plot before asking for support. Psychology may help when an expectation keeps recurring, causes distress or makes it harder to choose clearly.
In individual therapy, we can explore where an idea about love came from, which need it is trying to meet and how somebody relates to fear of abandonment, reliance on another person’s validation or difficulty setting boundaries. In couples therapy, when both people have sufficient safety, we can notice cycles of conflict, practise expressing needs and build more realistic agreements.
At Ocnos Psychology Clinic, we see clients in person in Palmones, Campo de Gibraltar, and through online therapy. The aim is not to judge whether a relationship looks enough like a fairy tale. It is to help each person understand what they are experiencing and what they may need in order to protect their wellbeing.
Frequently asked questions about Disney and romantic love
Can Disney really influence the way we understand love?
It can form part of how we learn about love, alongside family life, songs, other films and personal experience. Research has found associations between exposure to certain films and some attitudes, but it does not show that Disney alone causes a particular way of relating.
Is it wrong to believe in romantic love?
No. Excitement, commitment and romantic gestures can enrich a relationship. A belief deserves closer attention when it becomes rigid, creates impossible expectations or is used to justify suffering, control or continual self-sacrifice.
Which romantic love myth is the most harmful?
That depends on how a belief operates in a particular person’s life. “Love conquers all” is especially concerning if it leads somebody to expect affection to change harmful behaviour or to remain in a relationship at the expense of their safety.
Is jealousy proof of love?
Jealousy is an emotion and can arise without somebody choosing it. What matters is how it is handled. Monitoring a partner, restricting friendships, demanding passwords or controlling clothing and movement are not signs of love; they violate autonomy and trust.
How can I change unrealistic expectations of my partner?
Begin by identifying the rule: “If they loved me, they would…”. Ask what need sits underneath it, express that need directly and notice whether a reciprocal agreement is possible. If the same expectation causes repeated conflict or fear of losing the relationship, it may be useful to explore it in therapy.
Sources and references
- Hefner, V. & Kretz, V. E. (2021). Does the Glass Slipper Fit? Disney Princess Films and Relationship Beliefs and Attitudes. Journal of Media Psychology, 33(3), 125–133.
- Hefner, V., Firchau, R.-J., Norton, K. & Shevel, G. (2017). Happily Ever After? A Content Analysis of Romantic Ideals in Disney Princess Films. Communication Studies, 68(5), 511–527.
- Instituto de las Mujeres. Del mito del amor romántico a la violencia contra las mujeres en la pareja [From the myth of romantic love to violence against women within the couple].
- Delegación del Gobierno contra la Violencia de Género. Official information about the 016 service.
- Royal Gibraltar Police: Domestic Abuse Team contact details.
Your relationship does not have to look like a fairy tale
If you would like to understand your expectations, boundaries or a pattern that keeps repeating in your relationships, we can consider it with you in a professional, respectful and non-judgemental setting.