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Héctor Lozano Jiménez
General Health Psychologist · Director of Ocnos Psychology Clinic · COPAO AN 11777 · Professional registration
Key idea: couples therapy can help you step out of repeated arguments, improve communication and regain a sense of being on the same team. It also helps identify the conflict cycle and develop practical tools to break it in everyday life.
Couples therapy can be highly helpful when a relationship falls into a pattern of repeated arguments, misunderstandings and emotional distance. Sometimes the issue seems to be money. At other times it may be cohabitation, jealousy, lack of time together, family boundaries or sex. However, when we look more closely at what is happening, we often see that the real core of the distress is not only the topic itself, but the way both partners relate to each other when conflict appears.
In other words, there are couples who still care deeply about one another, yet no longer manage to talk without tension. They begin a conversation wanting to solve something and, nevertheless, end up attacking, defending themselves or shutting down. As a result, the relationship stops feeling like a safe place and starts to feel like a constant source of strain.
At Ocnos Psychology Clinic, in Palmones, we regularly see this kind of situation in people coming from Palmones, Los Barrios, Algeciras, La Línea de la Concepción, Sotogrande and Gibraltar. Many of these couples arrive saying something similar: “We always end up arguing about the same thing”, “We don’t know how to talk any more”, or “There is still love there, but we’re exhausted.”
Importantly, asking for help does not mean the relationship is broken or beyond repair. On the contrary, in many cases starting couples therapy early makes it possible to understand what is happening more clearly, reduce accumulated hurt and build healthier communication patterns before the strain becomes more deeply entrenched.
When talking turns into arguing
It is very common for couples to come to therapy believing that the problem lies in specific topics. For example, household tasks, not spending enough time together, boundaries with family, jealousy, mobile phones or general day-to-day tiredness. However, when the dynamic is explored more carefully, something deeper often appears: conversation itself has become hostile territory.
In fact, many arguments follow a very similar sequence. One person expresses distress, but does so through criticism or blame. The other feels attacked and responds by becoming defensive or counter-attacking. From there, emotional intensity rises, old resentments resurface and the conversation stops being about finding a solution. At that point, it is no longer about understanding one another, but about self-protection, justification or proving that the other person is also at fault.
Moreover, when this happens repeatedly, a strong sense of hopelessness can develop. The couple start anticipating conflict before it even happens. As a result, some topics can no longer be discussed freely and silence, avoidance or superficial conversations begin to take their place in order not to “set things off”.
Even so, avoiding difficult conversations does not solve the problem. In the short term it may lower tension, yes, but in the medium term it increases emotional distance. That distance then further feeds the feeling of not being understood, valued or supported within the relationship.
What is couples therapy and when can it help?
Couples therapy is a psychological intervention focused on the relationship itself. This means that the main aim is not to find someone to blame or decide who is right, but rather to understand which patterns have become established between the two partners and what changes may help the relationship function in a healthier way.
For that reason, a couples therapy session is not simply about “talking through problems”. Instead, it is about observing how both partners communicate, which emotions emerge, what meanings they assign to each other’s behaviour and which actions keep the distress going. From there, the work focuses on introducing practical tools that improve day-to-day life, emotional connection and the ability to face conflict without damaging the bond.
It is also important to say that a couple do not need to be on the verge of separation to ask for help. In fact, many relationships benefit from therapy precisely because they recognise early on that something is no longer working well. The earlier intervention begins, the easier it often is to change patterns before they become chronic.
- Arguments are frequent or very intense.
- There is emotional distance, coldness or a sense of going in separate directions.
- There is mistrust, jealousy or unresolved wounds, such as infidelity.
- It is difficult to reach agreements about money, children, daily life or free time.
- Sexual intimacy has deteriorated and is creating distress or avoidance.
- One or both partners experience the relationship with high anxiety, sadness or ongoing tension.
Likewise, in some cases relationship problems coexist with broader emotional difficulties such as anxiety, depression or intimate difficulties that may also benefit from sex therapy. In that sense, couples therapy allows us to understand the relationship more fully and connect what happens between the partners with the emotional state of each individual.
Most common relationship problems we see in therapy
Although every relationship has its own history, there are several reasons for seeking help that appear again and again in clinical practice. First of all, there are communication problems. These include constant misunderstandings, interruptions, feeling unheard, arguments that escalate too quickly and difficulty expressing needs without the conversation turning into blame.
Secondly, unrealistic expectations are very common. For instance, expecting that if your partner truly loves you they should automatically know what you need, or believing that a healthy couple never argue. These ideas may seem small, but they can create great frustration because they turn every disagreement into a test of love, commitment or appreciation.
In addition, conflicts related to mistrust and jealousy are also common. In these cases, negative interpretations, checking behaviours, arguments about phones, social media or past relationships may appear. Yet, even when the focus seems to be on control or anger, underneath there is often fear, insecurity or a need for reassurance.
On the other hand, many couples come to therapy because of the division of responsibilities and mental load. One person feels they carry too much, organise everything or always have to remember what matters. The other, in contrast, feels constantly criticised or believes that whatever they do will never be enough. This pattern creates a great deal of tension because the argument is not just about chores, but about recognition, fairness and mutual care.
Sexual difficulties are also common, such as reduced desire, intimacy that feels mechanical, avoidance of contact or significant differences in frequency or expectations. In these cases, sexual difficulties are often closely linked to communication, accumulated resentment or emotional states such as stress and low mood.
Finally, it is not unusual for conflicts to be influenced by family of origin boundaries, parenting styles, major life changes or different views of commitment. All of this can activate arguments which, if not addressed properly, reinforce the feeling that the couple are no longer on the same side.
A very common example in therapy: one person asks for more help at home. The other feels attacked and becomes defensive. The conversation then stops being about practical tasks and becomes about ideas such as “you never appreciate what I do” or “I always have to ask you for everything”. The visible topic may be chores, but the deeper conflict is often about recognition, exhaustion and a sense of unfairness.
The cycle of conflict in a relationship
One of the most useful concepts in couples therapy is recognising that many arguments are not isolated events, but part of a repeating cycle. This cycle becomes more established over time and makes it much more likely that even an ordinary disagreement will end badly, even when both partners genuinely wanted to sort it out.
Typically, the first stage is criticism. Here, one person points out a problem but does so by attacking the other as a person rather than describing a specific behaviour. Phrases such as “you’re selfish”, “you’re always the same” or “you never think about me” tend to trigger defensiveness very quickly.
Then comes defensiveness. The other person responds by justifying themselves, minimising what happened, shifting the focus or throwing the criticism back. In other words, the conversation stops being an attempt to understand what is going on and becomes a struggle not to be cast as the problem.
Next, emotional escalation appears. The tone rises, past grievances come up and emotional arousal becomes so high that it is difficult to think clearly. In that state, it becomes very easy to say things one later regrets or to interpret the other person’s behaviour through anger rather than curiosity or understanding.
Finally, distance or avoidance sets in. One or both partners shut down, stop talking, leave the room or abandon the issue without resolving it. In the short term this may lower the temperature, but in the medium term the problem remains and gets stored away until the next argument.
So the conflict is not resolved; it is merely postponed. And that is precisely why many couples feel that they are always arguing about the same thing. In reality, what keeps returning is not only the topic, but the whole pattern.
How couples therapy works from a psychological perspective
At Ocnos we work mainly from evidence-based models, particularly cognitive behavioural couples therapy, integrative behavioural couples therapy and, when appropriate, strategies drawn from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The aim is not to apply a rigid formula, but to tailor the intervention to the couple’s real needs.
Cognitive behavioural couples therapy
Cognitive behavioural couples therapy helps identify thoughts, interpretations and behaviours that maintain conflict. For example, ideas such as “if they don’t do this, it means they don’t care”, “if I give in, I lose” or “I already know what they’re going to say” often fuel automatic reactions of attack or defence.
In addition, this approach works with very practical tools. It teaches communication skills, problem solving, emotional expression and negotiation. It also helps challenge common biases, such as overgeneralising, mind reading or constantly assuming negative intentions on the part of the other person.
For that reason, it is particularly useful when a couple need to step out of a repetitive loop and start practising observable changes in everyday life.
Integrative behavioural couples therapy
Integrative behavioural couples therapy adds something very important: not everything can be solved simply by changing behaviour. Sometimes it is also necessary to work on the acceptance of certain differences and to understand which deeper themes are being activated underneath repeated arguments.
For instance, what appears on the surface to be an argument about punctuality or chores may, at a deeper level, be connected to feeling unimportant, unappreciated or emotionally alone. When that is understood, the couple can stop seeing each other as enemies and begin to face the problem from a different position.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy applied to couples
From an ACT perspective, the focus is on learning to hold difficult emotions without automatically reacting through attack, avoidance or impulsivity. Shared values such as respect, honesty, care and cooperation are also clarified.
This makes it possible for the couple not to get trapped only in “how I feel right now”, but to ask instead: “How do I want to behave in this relationship even when I feel angry, hurt or frustrated?” That question can fundamentally change the way an argument is handled.
The aim is to learn to argue differently: with more clarity, less attack, more validation and more ability to look for solutions without damaging the bond.
How to break the cycle of conflict
Breaking the cycle of conflict does not depend on a single miracle technique. Rather, it usually requires a combination of small, consistent and realistic changes. In couples therapy, we work on different points in the process so that new responses can appear where automatic reactions used to take over.
Emotional pause
When one or both partners are highly activated, pushing on usually makes things worse. A brief agreed pause, with a clear commitment to return to the issue later, is often far more useful than trying to solve everything in the heat of the moment.
Active listening
Listening does not mean fully agreeing with the other person. Above all, it means trying to understand what they are feeling and needing before automatically responding from a defensive position.
Expressing needs
Rather than attacking with global criticism, we work on turning blame into clear and concrete requests. It is very different to say “you are never there” than to say “I need us to set aside time to talk properly”.
Looking for solutions together
The goal is not to win the argument, but to move away from confrontation and into cooperation. The couple need to stop fighting each other and start thinking together in response to the problem.
Validation is also a key part of the work. That means recognising that the other person’s emotional experience makes sense from their point of view, even if you do not share exactly the same interpretation. This can significantly reduce escalation, because the other person no longer feels they have to shout louder in order to be understood.
For example, one couple who argued frequently about schedules began to use one simple rule: they would not discuss delicate matters when both were exhausted at the end of the day. They also set aside a weekly moment to plan the week together. That change, although it seemed small, reduced both the frequency and intensity of their arguments quite noticeably.
How we work with couples therapy at Ocnos Psychology Clinic
At our clinic, led by Héctor Lozano Jiménez, couples therapy follows a clear yet flexible structure. This helps the couple understand from the outset what we are assessing, what goals we are working towards and why certain exercises or tasks are being suggested.
1. Initial assessment
First, we carry out a joint interview to understand the history of the relationship, the current situation, the reasons for seeking help and each partner’s goals. In many cases, we also conduct individual sessions to explore issues that may be harder to express in front of the other partner, such as insecurities, previous wounds, expectations or deeper fears.
When appropriate, we also use psychological assessment tools to better understand relationship adjustment, satisfaction, anxiety, mood or other relevant variables. This allows us to build a much clearer map of both the problems and the strengths within the relationship.
2. Intervention
The intervention then focuses on practical skills. We work on active listening, emotional expression, “I” statements, validation, emotional regulation and problem solving. In addition, we review automatic interpretations and cognitive patterns that fuel conflict.
If needed, the work can also be integrated with other clinic services. For example, sex therapy when intimacy is affected, anxiety treatment when one or both partners live with high activation, or support around depression when low mood is clearly affecting the relationship.
3. Between-session exercises
A crucial part of the process involves tasks between sessions. These may include keeping records of arguments, exercises to notice and appreciate positive behaviours in each other, small changes in routine or guided communication practice around sensitive topics.
This means that therapy does not remain confined to the session itself. Instead, the work is transferred into real life, which is where the relationship is actually tested and where meaningful change can begin to take shape.
4. Relapse prevention
In the later phase of therapy, we review which strategies have worked best and what early warning signs suggest that the couple are slipping back into old patterns. From there, a simple plan is developed so that both partners can respond differently before conflict escalates again.
In some cases, we also arrange follow-up sessions further apart. This helps consolidate change, adapt to new difficulties and maintain the sense that the relationship now has a healthier language and a stronger set of tools for handling future tensions.
When is it a good idea to start couples therapy?
You do not need to wait for a major crisis before asking for help. In fact, many couples come because they feel the relationship is gradually losing warmth, communication no longer flows well, or there is a constant background tension even if arguments are not explosive every day.
It is often a good idea to begin therapy when the couple feel stuck in the same conflicts, when one or both partners are experiencing high emotional distress, when there has been a significant rupture such as infidelity, grief or another major life change, or when ongoing sexual difficulties are creating frustration, shame or distance.
Likewise, if you live in Los Barrios, Algeciras, La Línea de la Concepción, Palmones, Sotogrande or Gibraltar, you may consider either in-person support or online therapy if that better suits your distance, schedule or circumstances.
Conclusion: it is possible to change the way you argue
Arguing does not mean a relationship is doomed. What makes the real difference is not the total absence of conflict, but the way a couple handle it. That is why learning to identify the conflict cycle, reduce emotional escalation and speak from a different place can significantly change the relational dynamic.
Couples therapy is not about making a relationship perfect. Rather, it is about helping the couple communicate more clearly, understand what is being activated in each person, repair hurt more quickly and regain the sense of being on the same side. Even when that feels far away because there has already been a great deal of strain, it is something many couples can rebuild.
If you would like to explore related topics further, you may also find other articles from our blog helpful, such as what no one tells you about starting therapy, what depression is, how to recover emotional wellbeing or our complete guide to psychological assessment.
Frequently asked questions about couples therapy
When is the right time to start couples therapy?
You do not need to be on the brink of separation to begin couples therapy. It can be the right time when you find yourselves arguing about the same things again and again, when there is emotional distance or a lack of closeness, when it is difficult to reach agreements about important matters, or when there are unresolved wounds such as infidelity. The earlier support begins, the easier it usually is to redirect unhealthy communication patterns.
Is couples therapy only for relationships that are in a very bad place, or can it help with smaller ongoing problems as well?
Couples therapy can help both in severe crises and in quieter but persistent difficulties such as recurring minor arguments, routine or emotional disconnection. In fact, some couples come not only to put out fires, but also to strengthen the relationship and prevent further deterioration.
What does a couples therapy session involve?
The first sessions usually focus on joint conversations to understand the history of the relationship and the reasons for seeking help. In some cases, individual sessions are also included to explore fears, previous experiences or expectations. Later sessions combine space for each partner to express their point of view, guided communication exercises and discussion of between-session tasks. The goal is not to decide who is right, but to understand what is happening between you and what changes may help.
Can couples therapy still help if only one partner wants to attend?
Ideally, both partners take part because the relationship is built between two people. Even so, if only one person is willing to begin, that can still be helpful. It is possible to work on clearer communication, rethink expectations and change ways of responding to conflict. Sometimes, when the other person notices real changes, they become more open to joining later on.
How long does it usually take to notice changes in communication?
That depends on several factors, including the severity of the difficulties, how long they have been present, the couple’s commitment to the process and how consistently they apply the strategies between sessions. In many cases, early changes in communication can be noticed within the first few weeks, although deeper and more established conflict cycles usually require a longer and more structured process.
What kind of approach do you use in couples therapy?
We work mainly from cognitive behavioural couples therapy, integrative behavioural couples therapy and, when useful, strategies drawn from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Cognitive behavioural work helps identify thoughts, expectations and behaviours that fuel conflict. The integrative approach combines change and acceptance, while ACT-based work helps couples act according to values such as respect, care and honesty even when emotions run high.
Can couples therapy also help when anxiety, depression or sexual difficulties are involved?
Yes. Many relationship difficulties overlap with anxiety, depression or sexual difficulties. In those situations, couples therapy can be combined with individual support, sex therapy or psychological assessment so that the work is more complete, clinically grounded and sustainable over time.
What can I do if I feel we always end up arguing about the same thing?
Some initial strategies can help: replacing criticism with a clear request, avoiding difficult conversations when one or both of you are highly emotionally activated, trying to understand what lies underneath the disagreement, and setting aside calmer moments to talk. If you still feel stuck in the same pattern, couples therapy can help you understand the conflict cycle and learn more effective ways to break it.
Taking the next step with Ocnos Psychology Clinic
If arguments keep repeating themselves, communication feels broken, or the relationship no longer feels the way it used to, this may be the right moment to seek professional support. Couples therapy can offer a clear, thoughtful and non-judgemental space in which to understand what is happening and begin changing it.