Names, pronouns and deadnaming: asking for respect and dealing with mistakes

Written by Rocío Rodríguez Boza

General Health Psychologist · COPAO AN13748

Published 19 September 2026

Clinically reviewed by Héctor Lozano Jiménez, General Health Psychologist · COPAO AN11777

Somebody uses your previous name in the middle of a conversation. Or they use a pronoun that does not match how you have asked to be addressed. Perhaps they notice immediately, correct themselves and carry on. Perhaps they do not notice at all. Or perhaps you have been reminding them for months and every correction is met with the same answer: “You know I don't mean anything by it.”

From the outside, these situations can look identical: somebody used the wrong word. Relationally and psychologically, they are not identical.

It matters whether this was occasional or repeated, whether there is effort, what happens when you correct the person, whether your privacy is protected, whether the mistake exposes information to somebody else, and whether you are watching a habit gradually change or a person refusing to recognise you as requested.

This guide is about making those distinctions. Not to tell you how upset you ought to be, but to help you ask: “What actually happened, what do I need, and what response makes sense here?”

What deadnaming and misgendering mean

Deadnaming usually refers to using a trans or non-binary person's previous name after they are using another name.

Misgendering is broader. It means referring to somebody using a gender, pronoun, title or other gendered language that does not match how the person has asked to be addressed.

In English this may involve pronouns such as he, she or they, as well as titles and other gendered terms.

These words are useful when they describe an experience. They become less useful if they are treated as automatic conclusions about somebody's motives. An accidental use of the wrong name or pronoun can still be deadnaming or misgendering and still be accidental. And an accidental mistake can still hurt.

Current name, chosen name or simply your name

Some people use the phrase “chosen name”. Others prefer “current name”, “name in use”, “affirmed name” or simply “my name”. There is no need to impose one expression on everybody.

A name may carry substantial emotional meaning for one person and relatively little for another. It may relate to recognition, belonging, privacy, continuity, congruence, a new stage of life or simply personal preference.

Recent qualitative research on renaming reflects this variety. Some participants described names as expressing distance from a previous stage, whilst others used them to preserve elements of family, cultural or personal continuity.

So we should not assume that hearing a previous name means exactly the same thing to every trans person.

A mistake, a persistent pattern and an explicit refusal are different things

One of the most useful shifts is to stop asking only “did they get it wrong?” and look at the whole pattern.

There are grey areas between these categories. Somebody may mean well but make very little effort. Another person may make frequent mistakes at first and improve considerably with practice.

This is why intention and impact are separate dimensions. Intention helps us understand the relationship. Impact describes what the experience does to you. Neither automatically erases the other.

A lack of bad intent does not mean the experience cannot affect you

Gender non-affirmation, which can include experiences such as misgendering, has been associated in daily diary research with greater negative and anxious affect and with poorer later anxiety and depression measures. That does not mean one isolated pronoun mistake causes a mental health disorder.

A present-day incident may also connect with a much longer history. The same name may have been used during years of family conflict, school bullying or previous attempts to embarrass you. You may have been exposed in front of other people before. Perhaps you already expect not to be respected.

Your emotional response in that moment may therefore be connected to more than the single word that has just been spoken.

This does not automatically mean trauma. It does explain why something that looks small to somebody else may trigger strong shame, anger, fear or exhaustion.

If you notice yourself constantly monitoring how other people address or perceive you, our guide to hypervigilance and fear of rejection may help. If harsh social messages have also become part of how you speak to yourself, see internalised transphobia, shame and self-criticism.

You do not have to correct every mistake

Sometimes you want to correct somebody immediately. At other times you are tired, concentrating on something else, do not know the person well enough or simply do not want the moment to become a discussion about gender.

There may also be situations where correcting somebody would reveal information that another person present does not know.

You can:

• make a brief correction in the moment;
• speak privately afterwards;
• ask somebody you trust to correct people when this happens;
• use humour if that feels natural to you;
• let that particular incident pass;
• address the wider pattern later rather than every occurrence;
• avoid correcting somebody when doing so would not be safe;
• reconsider how much contact you want where the behaviour is deliberate and persistent.

Not correcting somebody once does not mean you accept the way they addressed you. It says nothing about the validity of your gender either.

Recent qualitative research on misgendering describes exactly this kind of contextual decision-making: people may correct or not correct depending on their reaction, relationship and surroundings.

A short correction can be enough

You do not have to explain your entire identity in order to correct somebody.

Brevity does not make the boundary less legitimate. You can have a longer conversation if you want one; you do not owe one after every mistake.

Ocnos tool 1: mistake, pattern or disrespect?

A useful apology does not need to become a ceremony

When somebody makes a genuine mistake, proportionate repair is usually simple: acknowledge it, correct it, carry on and try to improve.

The correction acknowledges what happened without requiring you to become the teacher, therapist or source of reassurance for the person who made the mistake.

Very elaborate apologies can create another problem: “I am awful, I'm so sorry, I feel terrible, please tell me I haven't hurt you.”

The trans person may then find themselves comforting the person who made the error.

If you are the person who got somebody else's pronoun or name wrong, a brief apology and better practice afterwards are usually more useful than a lengthy explanation of your intentions.

Ocnos tool 2: work out what you need from this person

When a mistake keeps happening, it is understandable to think: “I just want them to stop making me feel like this.” That describes the emotional problem very clearly, but it may not yet identify what you want the other person to do.

Deadnaming in front of other people can also be a privacy issue

Using a previous name in front of somebody who does not know your history can disclose information you had not chosen to share.

The problem may therefore be more than emotional discomfort. You may worry that somebody will ask questions, search for information, connect different records or realise that you are trans.

This can matter particularly at work, in education, healthcare, housing or other settings where privacy has practical consequences.

If this is happening specifically in employment, see our guide to trans people at work. For school settings in Andalusia, our guide to trans pupils in Andalusian schools addresses that environment without assuming that school procedures apply to every social setting.

When it happens in front of other people, several responses may be reasonable

Imagine somebody uses the wrong pronoun in a meeting, at a family meal or during a conversation with people who do not know your full history.

You may want to correct it immediately. You may prefer not to draw attention to it, speak to the person later or have an agreed ally help with corrections.

None of these choices says anything about how secure you are in your gender.

When somebody else wants to help

An ally can be useful precisely because it reduces the expectation that you must make every correction yourself. Often something as small as “It's Marta” or “he” is enough.

Then the conversation can continue.

There is no need for a speech, public humiliation or an explanation of your personal history. Most importantly, somebody trying to defend you should not expose you as trans to people you had not chosen to tell.

If you want somebody to correct people on your behalf in a particular setting, discussing that beforehand can help. In another setting you may want them to leave it to you.

Ocnos tool 3: a response ladder you do not have to follow in order

When setting a boundary does not change the pattern

A boundary cannot force another person to change. It clarifies what you need, what you can do and what level of cost you are able or willing to carry.

This becomes more complicated when the person is a parent, partner, manager, teacher, relative you live with or somebody you depend on financially or practically.

Advice such as “cut them out of your life” ignores those realities.

More useful questions may include:

• what power does this person have over important parts of my life?;
• what could direct confrontation cost me?;
• which boundary can I realistically maintain?;
• what outside support is available?;
• is there another person or organisation that could help?;
• do I first need more independence or safety?

A boundary may be a request for different behaviour. It can also mean refusing a particular discussion, protecting information, seeking mediation or changing the amount of contact. It does not have to be an ultimatum.

Somebody can care about you and still make genuine mistakes

“If they ever get it wrong, they do not respect you” is not a very accurate description of many relationships either.

Somebody may be changing a language habit that has existed for years and still make genuine mistakes, particularly early on. They may care about you deeply and take what you have asked seriously.

The more informative question is often about direction rather than instant perfection: is there effort, improvement, self-correction, openness to feedback and respect for your privacy?

“I am learning” is a reasonable explanation when learning is visibly happening. It becomes less persuasive if months or years pass with no observable effort and every discussion becomes an argument about why the problem should not matter to you.

Holding this nuance also protects relationships that genuinely are adapting. You do not have to label a sincere mistake as aggression in order to want fewer mistakes.

Neutral pronouns and other forms of address

Some non-binary people use pronouns or forms of address that people around them may not yet use fluently. Learning may take some practice.

The psychological question is not whether a person's language choices pass an ideological or grammatical test. What matters here is more practical: how the person has asked to be addressed, what happens when mistakes occur, whether people are willing to adapt and what effect the pattern has.

In English, singular “they” may be unfamiliar in some relationships even though it is already widely used in contemporary English. That can explain a period of adjustment. It does not make an explicit refusal to try equivalent to an accidental slip.

When affirmative therapy may help

Therapy in this situation should not mean being trained to tolerate disrespect.

It may be useful when:

• each mistake creates very intense distress and you want to understand what is being activated;
• you feel constant fear about correcting other people;
• you avoid setting any boundary even in relationships where doing so would be reasonably safe;
• earlier rejection strongly shapes present situations;
• accidental disclosure creates severe anxiety;
• family or relationship conflict has developed around names or forms of address;
• the situation is mixed with shame, isolation, depression or traumatic experiences;
• you need to think through realistic boundaries where dependence or power differences are involved.

If present-day situations are closely connected with serious earlier bullying, rejection or violence, our guide to trauma, rejection, harassment and transphobia explores that issue more fully.

Frequently asked questions about names, pronouns and deadnaming